The 13 Gayest Items in the SkyMall Catalog
By Neal Broverman
Since 1990, the SkyMall catalog has provided fliers with a few minutes of distraction as they count down the minutes until landing. Who hasn't stared at the zombie lawn gnome and wondered, Has anyone ever bought this mess? We've seen the guy sleeping face forward on that wedge pillow and questioned how anyone could find that position comfortable. Many have also fantasized about having a kitty litter box that doubles as a handsome side table.
With full-page ads for boxer-briefs that accentuate male assets and enough cat products to fill a pet-loving lesbian's Christmas wishlist, the catalog has no shortage of items with LGBT appeal. In no specific order, here is our — totally stereotypical and tongue-in-cheek — list of the queerest items in the SkyMall catalog:
You know your friend, Victor? The one with the rank crotch? Well, these Jockey Sport boxer-briefs, with odor control offered in microfiber, pro, and cotton performance styles, will help even Victor get his genital odor problem under control.
These hideous Hawaiian jelly shoes will make you stick out like a sore thumb on the North Shore of Oahu, but this model and his
beard female companion are awestruck over their wonders. We've definitely seen these two whooping it up at Hulas.
It feels like we've been staring at this ginger goddess since the days of the Wright brothers — she totally outshines that lame neckbrace with her perfect make-up job. This model vaguely looks like a Golden Girls guest-star. Wait, did she play Georgia Wilkes, Blanche's scheming cousin, in season three?
This is the kind of item you would only see at a cheap Key West bed-and-breakfast or maybe a clothing-optional men's resort on Kauai. Wherever you see decorative toilet flush handles, you know you've entered a classy place.
This absolutely horrendous "Mademoiselle Haute Couture" floor lamp would go perfect in your gay uncle's over-the-top Fort Lauderdale timeshare or maybe as an ironic conversation piece for the hipster in your life.
For every gay man and lesbian who found true love in the feline form, of which there are thousands, if not millions, a cat rug is the perfect reminder of their life decisions.
The Flex Belt ab toning belt (which totally works) is embraced by everyone from messy ANTM winner Adrianne Curry to Days of Our Lives and Melrose Place diva Lisa Rinna. This seems like the perfect present for your West Hollywood and Chelsea friends with body dysmorphic disorder.
"Are they sisters, friends, multiple generations or just three faces of yourself"? Maybe they're the lesbian book club that meets every week at IHOP. This gift is perfect for your the older lady in your life who just needs the slightest nudge to kick open that closet door.
This Lake Girl hoodie is perfect for a camp reunion or the Michigan Womyn's Festival. We find the logo on the baseball camp slightly suggestive.
The lesbians of Taos and Santa Fe would trade all the turquoise in the world for these artistic baubles (no comment on the dress). Perfect accessory for the Georgia O'Keeffe Museum.
Sure, it's better than having a kitty litter box in the living room, but do you really want people gagging everytime they use your washroom? Maybe if you throw in a plug-in, this could make a useful gift for a cat-loving queer in a Manhattan studio apartment.
We'll close out this list with clothes so binding they would make a geisha flinch. But if your ass is simply too flat for High Tea or your torso too lumpy for White Party, here are the items that will attempt to deal with your insecurities. Did you catch the name of the underwear? Wow. Too easy.
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