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Pam Ann's Top 10 Traveling Tips to Kick Off Memorial Day Weekend

PAM ANN: Top 10 Traveling Tips to Kick Off Memorial Day Weekend

PAM ANN: Top 10 Traveling Tips to Kick Off Memorial Day Weekend

Poking fun at air travel, 'passengers' at her show should be prepared to embark on a journey from security check-in to boarding to landing.

Airhostess Pam Ann is steering her plane in rapid descent straight for The Triad Theatre this summer in her most explosive comedy show yet! In FLIGHT 72, the ferociously fashionable, sixties-inspired Pam Ann — who has toured with Cher and crewed private jets for Elton John — takes aim at the numerous airline calamities making news today.  From the depressed German Wings pilot to hackers taking control of planes through the in-flight entertainment system to Johnny Depp launching the war on terriers, all the latest air travel headlines are stripped bare and poked fun at.

FLIGHT 72 crash lands in New York City for six shows at the Triad Theater (158 W. 72nd St., NYC): June 2,3,5,9,10 & 12.

And now, without further ado, Pam Ann's Top 10 Traveling Tips to Kick Off Memorial Day Weekend (remember, this is comedy, people).

1. Avoid Amtrak and all trains, they crash, too.

2. Sleeping tablets are the essential travel companions especially for long haul travel washed down with a few glasses of Cabernet Sauvignon. Pam Ann's tip: Wait until you are in the air before you take a pill there is nothing worse than trying to disembark the aircraft once the sleeping pill has kicked in you don’t want to look like a Thunderbird.

3. Never go barefoot into the toilets on board an aircraft — that’s just disgusting. And yes, I am calling out all Australians to put some fucking shoes on and flip-flops aren’t shoes, OK?!

4. If you are looking for an upgrade, forget about it, that’s like wining the lottery. You can dress up, be as nice and sweet as possible, but I guarantee it won’t work. So either pay for a fucking First Class seat or shut your fat ass up! You get what you pay for.

5. If you want to get on board an aircraft earlier than other passengers, I suggest you call the airline and pretend you're Bruce Jenner, slip on a wig, dress and veil over your face, and that will guarantee priority seating.

6. If you are trying to get the attention of a flight attendant yell, "BOMB!" That'll do it.

7. If you want to bring down a plane earlier than scheduled, talk really loudly about your trip to West Africa and how sick you are feeling. Mention the word EBOLA a few times and — BOOM!

8. Excess baggage: Well that’s easily solved, don’t carry so much shit! WHY do you carry so much SHIT! You don’t need 10 pairs of knee-high leather boots for Miami bitch and, really, 10 dildos?

9. Your plane can go MISSING! Non–stop to eternity anyone! No tips for this!!! POOF! You’re GONE GIRL! You will never go missing on Southwest because they don’t fly over an ocean — they will always find you.

10. Hangovers are the worst when flying. Just make sure you get a window seat if you’re flying economy, so you can rest your head on the window or, if you are stuck in the middle seat, you can use the tray table in front of you to rest your head. Carb up before you board, carry a large bottle of chilled water and a gun to shoot yourself in the face. If you’re flying First Class, your hangover will disappear as you board and recline in your fully flat bed and showered with vintage Krug...

BONUS! 11. Wanna control the speed of your aircraft? All passengers can now take control of the plane from your seat by simply using the in-flight entertainment system — and you can make it fly sideways, too!

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