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March 21-April 20 It's quality and quantity in mid November. But by December everyone in town knows your "rediscovering my gay identity" spiel, so you need a fresh audience for it to retain its seductive power. Maybe Telluride, since those ski hotties like a bed warmer on cold nights.

April 21-May 21 Even straight people hate working--so you would fit in better with everyone if you slacked off. After December 1 you show some humanity by getting progressively more bored with the job. This only makes the long-deferred departure to St. Kitts in January that much sweeter.

May 22-June 21 By the start of December you are an expert in foreign affairs. After sampling the delights of Kyoto brush up on domestic policy for the new hot spots back home. By the fourth week in January the whole hometown seems gay, gay, gay, which is just how you like it.

June 22-July 22 Irksome ex-lovers, homophobic relatives, and irrational bosses. Who would not flee? But running away means no one can find you--retreating to your home is not enough. Since distance is key, think Croatia, land of ancient beauties and modern cuties. Going before January makes romance a possibility.

July 23-August 23 Spending November fantasizing about the maintenance workers and doormen is a sign you need a change of scenery--so how about a New Orleans weekend? Go in early January, when your vulnerable side is sure to surface during flirt sessions, making you adorable in a moon-face Zellweger-esque way.

August 24-September 23 Your bitchy wit ricochets back in January. Ouch! Best to vacation in Patagonia, or any place where you do not speak the language, so your tongue can be put to better use. Fortunately, business savvy and dumb luck combine in November to secure the means for a New Year's getaway.

September 24-October 23 As November winds down it is like you are mainlining charisma. No one is immune to your smile, except the boss. So why waste it at the office? However, like Cinderella's gown, your humpiness has a shelf life. So get thee to Mykonos and back before mid December.

October 24-November 22 You want the kinfolk to come clean, but by Christmas all secrets will be buried. So go home for Thanksgiving, when the family dish will be laid out with the turkey. Then get your stocking stuffed on South Beach in December.

November 23-December 21 Forget Norman Rockwell holidays this year. Since you're underappreciated at home, try hitting Marseilles before December comes. There (or in any dankly romantic town you find yourself in), dangerously handsome strangers will murmur in the international language. "Pass the yams" cannot compare to that thrill.

December 22-January 20 Mid November sees you turn into a gay stereotype as the unattainable one has you rushing like mad but getting nowhere. So adolescent! If you must sulk, do it someplace fabulous like Baja. But be back by mid January, in time for a lesson in mature love.

January 21-February 19 The Thanksgiving kumbaya spirit convinces you that a trip to Senegal will make you a better person. But trying to make yourself more appealing to the non-opposite sex with a winter spending spree could eat up your airfare. The choice between inner beauty and outer good looks was never so clear.

February 20-March 20 Restlessness strikes in mid November, sending you to Zanzibar where the sun is hot. A more significant journey occurs in late November, sending you to your bed, where the sex is even hotter. The lovemaking proves how deeply human and deeply queer you are--as if there were any doubt.


30 Years of Out100Out / Advocate Magazine - Jonathan Groff and Wayne Brady

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