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Exclusive | Dream To Dare: My Travel Resolutions For '09

Exclusive | Dream To Dare: My Travel Resolutions For '09

Dolphins and wigwams and snow, oh my! Our regular columnist Dennis Hensley goes public with his travel-related goals for 2009.

I must admit that over the last few years, my New Year's resolutions have become both uninspired and uninspiring. How many times can you vow to get to the gym X times a week, treat bread like it's Anthrax, and stop making fun of Clay Aiken? It's like, Been there, done that, lasted about a week. So this year, I'm spicing things up with resolutions that are exotic, adventurous, life affirming, and possibly even slimming. This is like my Amazon wish list of travel-related dreams. By sharing them here, I believe, I will bring them into my life Secret-style -- maybe not all of them but if I get 3 out of 4, I'll be a happy traveler.

RESOLUTION 1: FROLIC WITH DOLPHINS
It all started with Olivia Newton-John's Physical album in the early '80s. Die-hard Olivia-heads will remember that the LP's last track was called "The Promise (The Dolphin Song)" and it was all about loving and protecting our dolphin friends. In fact, the song began with the actual sound of dolphins squawking -- those auditions must have been a nightmare -- and the album art showed ONJ canoodling with a frisky, finned friend like it was a lover.

Since then, I've longed to do the same but failed to make it happen even when I've been in destinations like Puerto Vallarta, Mexico and Honolulu, Hawaii where there are dolphin pimps aplenty who are happy to hook you up for a price. But I failed to take advantage.

In 2009, I will get my dolphin on, so help me Kira. I will also make sure to get a cute picture of myself getting my dolphin on because as any single gay guy can tell you, there's nothing more endearing on an online profile than a 'Man with Dolphin' picture. It says, I'm adventurous, a little goofy, I like nature, and I have decent shoulders. Love me. More than ever, I need that photo.

My only reservation is thanks to some YouTube clips I came across when I searched for Dolphin Sex (www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLTx-LZX3XM) and (www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKQE-PcNikQ). Over and over again, innocent young people are forced into submission when a randy dolphin leaps forth from the water and starts humping them mercilessly. It's dolphin date rape, essentially, and I find it very unsettling because what if my dolphin doesn't find me attractive? What if he just wants to be friends? Thanks, Flipper, but no thanks. I got enough friends.

RESOLUTION 2: SKI
Unlike most cool people I know, I've never been skiing in my life?or snowboarding for that matter. The closest I've gotten is making powder-related jokes about Whitney Houston. I did go on a weekend ski getaway with friends to Mammoth Mountain ski resort in '06. It was just like the cinematic gay chestnut The Other Side of Aspen except instead of having sex with each other in various configurations we ate lasagna and fell in love with the movie Molly starring Elisabeth Shue as an autistic woman who has an operation that makes her less autistic but more judgmental and unpleasant to be around. Rent it. You'll thank me.

Alas, a herniated disc kept me on the sidelines while my friends hit the slopes. In '09, I want to right that injustice, take a lesson or two, and sail down the bunny hill, at the very least. I know I'll fall down a lot. But if there's one thing that Miss USA has taught us in the last few years, it's that falling down is hilarious.

Part One | Part Two

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