You have actually started to enjoy being a workaholic drudge. It’s as if
you’re out to prove that gay folk can be as boring as anyone. You still
view vacations as self-indulgent, so mid December sees you trying to combine
work and play. But no one can do the end-of-the-year books while snorkeling
in Puerto Rico’s lesbian-friendly isle of Vieques. Get serious about fun
before you burn out.
April 21–May 21
Every Louise needs a Mama Rose to back her up. Only sharing your dreams with
others can make them come true, yet November finds you growing less communicative.
As the new year approaches, you will want to explore hidden parts of your sexuality
(may we suggest you do so in, say, Mykonos) as well as the far reaches of the
countryside. The exploration stalls until you learn to open up. That cute gay
coworker you see at the vending machine wants a travel bud.
May 22–June 21
It is the oldest tragedy: Escape fantasies clash with family obligations. Isn’t
being gay supposed to save you from that? Plan that trip to Zimbabwe’s
Victoria Falls ASAP (and keep in mind one of those adorable young male guides
who will lead you to the torrent), since situations get stickier as we move
closer to the holidays. This may not be a great time for spending, but it is
a great time for financial planning of the sort that can make those daydreams
June 22–July 22
It is not just being overscheduled that prevents you from having a sex life.
In late November you discover that even circuit types have no patience for dance
partners who are cynical. Right now stick to unambitious, casual weekend jaunts
to harvest festivals and pumpkin-picking tournaments in New Hope—and avoid
“power travel.” You need downtime desperately. Busy-busy does not
July 23–August 23
In December hope for security holds you back from indulging in gay adventure.
What a mistake! You have the money, so use it to explore your limits. Even if
you are not ready to go down to Sedona for a weekend of nude therapeutic massages
or cliff diving off Rio’s Copacabana, you need to try something wilder
than visiting the Space Needle (unless you plan to climb it hand in hand with
August 24–September 23
You could lie on an Australian beach for three months and your home will still
be there on your return. So buy your tickets and stop worrying. Nor will your
coworkers love you more for staying at the wheel: In fact, around Thanksgiving
the team’s unfortunate homophobia comes out. An extended absence can teach
them they are wrong. Plus they’ll envy your winter tan, though they won’t
see the tan lines you showed off to new friends while away.
September 24–October 23
Gaining insight into your fantasies is a sure way to kill the fun. Maybe at
the end of October, when you notice coworkers looking at you funny (even when
you’re not in Halloween sequins), you’ll finally get the message to
introspect less and kick back more. A good long dose of smooth blond Scandinavian
anonymity will recharge your batteries in a way that all those frenzied two-day
trips to P-town do not.
October 24–November 22
There is always some excuse to play Alice B. Toklas guarding the home. The problem
is either not enough money or too many unfinished household projects. Yawn.
In late December your energy explodes, so you finally lose the excuses and become
something other than an armchair traveler. Arrangements for foreign trips might
be daunting, but traveling with a group will ease the burden. Don’t be
a landlubber—sign up for a gay cruise (at sea, not on the streets).
November 23–December 21
It must be tiring to want so much. No one really understands this devil that
is driving you hard, but by Thanksgiving they will be used to it. Remember,
though, that you cannot buy success with someone else’s cash. And even
a short trip to New Orleans this far before Mardi Gras can go bad without sufficient
planning. You know what it takes to shine—now go out there and glitter
like a Bob Mackie original.
December 22–January 20
Get your destination ideas from this magazine, then decide. Fantasy funds are
useless without real resources backing them up. After October 25 that hottie
proves it is possible to turn you off without even being in the same room. You
could visit every gay bar from Cape Town to Key West without being satisfied.
Doing what pleases you will make everyone happier in the long run.
January 21–February 19
Like Mama said, “If you want to swim with the dolphins, you gotta put on
a bikini”—though we think the friendly mammals wouldn’t mind
your doing without the top half. Physical self-consciousness is keeping you
from the transcendent experience you crave. After November 8, when you regain
a sense of control, you will feel braver. By the way, all those quick forays
into het world at Christmas don’t count as vacations.
February 20–March 20
Tempted as you are to visit big gay meccas teeming with fab types, all these
trendoids will do nothing but put you to sleep. Although you become more wakeful
in November, you would do better in the tranquility of a Colorado spa getaway
than a Chelsea after-hours club. You may feel decidedly uninspired for these
next few months, but now is the time to nurture creativity through imaginative