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FROM THE SUMMER 2004 ISSUE OF THE OUT TRAVELER
By Michael Yawney
March 21–April 20 Being a grown-up stinks. By the middle of June you want to leave the leeches to fend for themselves and fly to the Never Land of northern Maine. Playing Peter Pan is a gas, but when the Lost Boys become Crybabies, the advantages of playing Wendy become clear.
April 21–May 21 Small changes have had a big impact on your social profile. After May 4, hunger for new conquests steers you toward Buenos Aires. But Argentina will not cry for you. Why should it? Your mid-June attack of trash talk makes you sound like Carson Kressley at Wal-Mart.
May 22–June 21 Your ex said you wanted too many things at the same time. Now your travel agent agrees. There are no gay-friendly B&Bs on any African safari route, and all your shrieking in early July will not change that. Since you are so ADD anyway, why not split the difference with two mini vacations in two separate locations?
June 22–July 22 Sex used to be a great way to meet people. Nowadays, new acquaintances would rather talk. Dates used to go dutch, but starting in June everyone expects you to pick up the check. Try really going Dutch: Visit Amsterdam without a phrase book so your body can do the talking once again.
July 23–August 23 Love is not the answer. Neither is sex. Provincetown is fun, but the questions that nag in the middle of the night will not go away no matter how many notches get added to the bedpost. Yet when you start seriously seeking answers in July, both love and sex reach new levels. Funny how that works.
August 24–September 23 The wacko diets and bizarre workouts did not make you an insta-hottie. It was your newly won aura of self-satisfaction that wrought the transformation. An Alaskan cruise could become a bedroom farce when you cannot tell the difference between a Heche and a Toklas. In mid June the gossiper becomes the gossipee.
September 24–October 23 Attraction = distraction. Cutie sightings have you bumping into furniture; true love could send you off a cliff. If you go rock climbing in Vancouver before June 12, for your own safety, only do it with members of the opposite sex. After that, gorgeousness will pose no physical threat, but possibly an emotional one.
October 24–November 22 Early May sees you ready to imitate Mother Teresa in Guatemala. Healing the world (or trying to) cannot prevent the eruption of your inner Shane McCutcheon. For that, you need to do some healing at home. Lessons learned far away will change how you treat the ones you come back to.
November 23–December 21 Keeping cool in a crisis at the beginning of May makes you more sought-after than a good tan line. Can you keep cool in the heat of Fire Island? Definitely, but don't stop to visit family en route! As they say: You can go home again...if you bring a bodyguard.
December 22–January 20 Dorothy was right: What you are looking for is in your own backyard. But like Dorothy, you need to hit the Emerald City (or the Las Vegas strip if no cyclone is available) before you actually believe it. Around June 3, fear wins instead of generosity, so it could take the rest of the summer to prove your affection.
January 21–February 19 Straight etiquette does not work for queer relationships, but you need to set some ground rules. A late-June experience of team spirit in a different culture can change how you act. After years of copying your parents' mistakes, it's time to make some of your own.
February 20–March 20 Withheld affection has you picking at emotional scabs. By the end of June you will want a new hobby. Someplace off the lavender circuit, like Lapland, could be the chicken soup your soul needs. And who knows? You may even find yourself in somebody else's Lapp.